Failure!

 

How are ways that people could fail? How about letting go of a relationship you thought would last? Being dishonest with yourself and others? Failing a test... studying for a driver's test but then failing because you felt like it would not matter? 

The year 2020 was a setback for the WHOLE world. A pandemic was tough. I was a senior in college and I was student teaching. I found a love through an unusual way. He supported me as I supported him through the trials that the nation and most of the world were facing. May 2020 was a turning point. I graduated with a Bachelor's of Science in Education degree. I did it. Four years of dedication and finding myself paid off. 

Fast forward to April 2021. I felt as though my world was shifting. I was growing distant with a few friends from Chicago (who I have gone to high school with). I also felt like I was not being a good girlfriend. In that stage we rarely had any intimate Skype moments (we were long distance). I did not feel close and I was not putting any effort in. In that moment I felt that I failed. I knew that my boyfriend at the time was starting to consider working. When we talked that night after finishing his resume together. He told me what I did not think was coming. That he wanted to sit back and reflect on his life and what he wanted to do. Something in me was shocked and hurt. Not only did I feel hurt by him, but by me. I have always put other peoples' happiness first. I was thinking that I made him happy. But I have seen him shift. It started when a few of his hobbies did not seem so present in his life. Have I been so in love with him that I failed to see that he was not in it or happy with himself? 

At that point Milwaukee was transitioning to in-person learning. So I was stressed and I was not really focused on him. However I was not focusing on me either. 

Onward to September 2021. I am working full time and I fail to be honest. I am feeling that I could have something with him. However, I know that he wanted to work on himself and he probably was moving on. I asked one of my friends to mess with him. I knew that he would reply to this friend since she was someone who was never introduced to him. FAILURE. I should have just been honest. I wanted to see if he had feelings for me. I also wanted to see if he would be talking negatively about me. I failed to realize why I did it. I wish I did not do it. 

December of 2020 I finally confessed. I again had the same feeling of FAILURE. However we talked it out and I am going to be working to gain back his trust. I am very thankful. I just hope that I will not have anymore FAILURES and I will be honest and never let him down again.